Definitions

I’ve heard that Einstein coined the phrase that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I’m sorry, but it’s a little more complicated than that.

Insanity is … sitting in a corner lightly humming the Super Mario Bros.  theme song as you try to shoot fire from your hands and instead wipe your own feces all over the wall.

Yes, even that’s more complicated.

Ninja Camels of Artichoke County

Forming your own band isn’t an easy thing to do these days.  You have to find people of similar musical tastes, who also share your bizarre fashion sense and the haircut your parents hate, and you need to have a name for your band.

How some of these band names are made fascinates me.  The following list contains names of real bands, bands with seemingly random names, names which appear to have been chosen by mashing words together. 

1. Arctic Monkeys
2. The Stone Roses
3. Inspiral Carpets
4. Cobra Starship
5. Blind Melon
6. Stone Temple Pilots
7. The Smashing Pumpkins
8. Toad The Wet Sprocket
9. Bowling for Soup
10. Lawnmower Deth

What would you call your band?

Po-Po

I don’t like the term “deputies.”

I like “police.”

I don’t like “investigators.”

I like “detectives.”

So the detectives determined that Justin was smoking his bong in the wilderness after police said they heard a group around a campfire playing Wu-Tang covers with a sitar.

The investigators and the deputies just stood around sounding stupid.

Which is generally what pigs do.

I’ll have something healthy, thanks.

I don’t want my bacon cured, thanks.  That doesn’t mean I want it diseased either.

No, sir.  I want  healthy bacon, bacon which has never needed curing of anything.

Is that too much to ask?

Common Sense

Just doesn’t seem that common these days and therefore should be known as uncommon sense from this day forth.

Exclusivity

I keep thinking about taking my truck to the Exclusive Detailing and Auto Care place that I drive by every day on my way to work.

But I don’t want to feel excluded.

Under Lock and Key

Why under?

And isn’t it a bad idea to leave the key with the lock?  That isn’t secure if you ask me.

What are your favourite poorly worded clichés?

Pleased to meet you. Let’s drown together.

When meeting new people at social functions we often need something to “break the ice”, be it a joke or funny anecdote about the host.

But surely, if we break the ice are we not in danger of drowning?

Pled vs. Pleaded

This is one I used to struggle with regularly in my day-to-day work, until I got used to it.

Someone pled guilty or pleaded guilty?

The rule for us in journalism is pleaded. The lawyers like pled.

I imagine this goes back to the good ole English court terminology somewhere in history.

In any case … I like pled.  It sounds more natural.

You don’t say you “saided” something.

Theological Thumpers?

It’s coming to that time of year when there’s a knock at the door and you know who it is before you even open it.

To insult these people (never to their faces) some might call them names.  And they don’t put much thought into their insults.

Bible Bashers.

Where this one came from I’ve no idea.  But I’ve never yet seen a religious person bashing their bible; it wouldn’t achieve anything.

God Botherers.

Well, they might be bothering some people.  But I doubt they are bothering God (if there is a God to bother) and even if they intended to, wouldn’t they be struck down by lightning?  And isn’t God the last entity they’d want to bother?